My Ghost
by inmatemorello
Summary: Nicky is taken to Max, Lorna is left alone. Nicky/Lorna


**My Ghost**

* * *

A hand grabbed Lorna's shoulder roughly before she was forcibly pulled down the corridor. She didn't even have time to express her shock before Red spoke.

' _They're taking her to Max.'_

An edge of fear and a wavering rarely heard in Red's strong voice unnerved Lorna more than anything. She didn't have to ask who Red was talking about; she wouldn't be so panicked about anyone else. Lorna stumbled trying to keep up with the older woman, her mind still numbly processing those words, her mouth impulsively releasing a strained gasp of her name.

' _Nicky.'_

Red's words played through her mind again. _Taking._ _She's still here_.

Lorna couldn't remember leaving Red behind but she must have because she found herself alone, bolting around corners at a speed she didn't know she had. Blood pulsed loudly in her ears, drowning out her own desperate gasps and sobs. Anyone in her way was shoved aside without a thought; she slowed down only when she saw Nicky's familiar frame.

Red was right, it wasn't a joke. Of course it wasn't a joke.

Lorna grabbed at her hastily, wanting to touch and see as much of her as she could before she was dragged away. One hand lightly fell upon the warm skin of Nicky's neck in an attempt to make her turn and face her. It may have been her imagination, but it felt like Nicky's heart was beating ten times faster than usual, slamming into her ribs like a feral animal attacking the bars of a cage. Lorna's other hand instinctively moved to Nicky's. Cold, harsh metal contrasted horribly with the soft warmth of her skin. The reality of what was happening punched Lorna in the gut.

The sharp bark of the guard shocked her away from Nicky momentarily. Her brain couldn't focus anymore, the same two words spiralling through her head like a hurricane, wiping out any other thoughts.

 _Not Nicky._

* * *

She would come back. She couldn't be kept there forever. It was wrong. All wrong. It didn't make sense, being in prison without Nicky. The window was cold against Lorna's shaking palms. Eventually, her head fell against the glass too. The hot tears running down her face made the window fog up a little. The bars outside had never felt so restricting.

The van had been out of sight for a while now but she couldn't tear herself away in an outrageous hope that maybe they would bring her back. It was all one big mistake, a ridiculous prank. Nicky would walk back in with that confident stride she so often adopted when in good spirits. She would laugh - the throaty kind when she really found something funny.

' _I got you, kid. I fucking got you.'_

Except that wasn't happening. Nicky would be handcuffed in the back of the van Lorna was so familiar with, maybe even entering Max by now. A part of Lorna wished she was still driving it so she could spend an extra few precious minutes with her.

She would never have been able to make that drive.

Would Nicky be crying now too? Would she finally let those tears out she had been so clearly, so _fiercely_ holding in before?

She had looked so ashamed. All Lorna wanted was to speak to her, to look her in the eyes, but Nicky had avoided eye contact. The second Nicky made that rushed glance back at Lorna, the words threw themselves from her body, an urgent outburst she had pushed down and tried to ignore for months.

' _I love you, too!'_

Red tore Lorna away from the window, grabbed her shoulders and shook her hard, but she couldn't take her eyes away from the spot she last saw Nicky. Red's hand sharply pulled Lorna's face around. She was forced to look into that piercing gaze. Though Red's usual stony glare was overshadowed by a worried, broken look. Even she didn't see this coming.

She said something about staying strong. That Nicky would be fine. Neither said it, but they both knew this was a blatant lie.

Red assured Lorna she would talk to Healy. She said she could make him bring Nicky back.

Her second lie. Lorna knew it was impossible.

Sure, Red could manipulate Healy into changing someone's work duty, or their bunk, but this was different.

Both women knew she couldn't make someone come back from Max.

Red grabbed Lorna's limp wrist and dragged her back down the same corridors they ran through just minutes ago. She had no idea where she was being taken. She resembled a rag doll, flimsy and unstable. If it wasn't for Red's powerful grip on her arm, she was sure she would collapse.

Lorna just wanted to stop and cry – throw herself to the ground like a petulant child. What was the point in whatever Red was up to when nothing could be done? All she could see was Nicky's face. The tears threatening to fall; an apologetic, guilt-ridden look in her eyes.

Although Nicky never really told Lorna much about herself, it was clear she thought she wasn't good enough. Lorna couldn't bear the thought she would be in Max hating herself, thinking she had let down the people she loved. No friends there, no _family_.

No distractions.

Red jerked suddenly to a halt, shocking Lorna out of her autopilot state. She looked up to see they were at Red's cube.

'What happened?' Red's voice seemed so loud, shaking Lorna out of her own head for a moment. A startled Piper sat up straight on her bunk, her book slamming shut as it fell from her lap. She instantly knew what Red meant.

'Luschek. He blamed Nicky for putting heroin in his desk. I'm sorry, I couldn't do anyth-'

'Did she? _Did she do it_?' Red's angered voice amplified across the room. Lorna could feel the eyes of other women on the three of them. She let her wrist slide from Red's now loosened grip and blocked out their conversation. It didn't matter. It felt intrusive, disrespectful. Nicky would be punishing herself enough. Lorna didn't care what she had or hadn't done and she knew Red didn't either. Her anger wasn't for Nicky.

Lorna's eyes travelled unfocused around the room. Women were whispering to each other or pretending they weren't listening to Red and Piper by busying themselves with pointless tasks. Lorna's eyes reached Nicky's cube. Her stomach fell. Tentatively, she began to walk over.

She found herself believing that Nicky would be lying on her bunk, legs bent at the knees, pants tucked into her boots: the trademark Nichols look. One foot might be tapping slightly in time with the music she would be listening to through her earphones, unseen through her mass of curls. As Lorna reached the cube, she smiled, ready for Nicky to sense her approach and open one eye to spot her at the entrance.

The bed was empty. Lorna gripped the wall, the smile on her face instantly wiped away by the sight of the empty bunk. Where someone else would be assigned within the next day or two.

Nicky's grey hoodie was hanging limply on the hook at the back wall. Her cherished radio was on top of the locker, earphones slightly tangled. Lorna felt an overwhelming sense of sadness as she realised there wasn't a pillow or bed sheet. They still hadn't received a new set since the bed bug incident.

A new wave of tears started to spill down her face and a loud sob tore from her throat.

It took her a few moments to realise there was a hand on her shoulder. Lorna spun herself around, somehow again believing Nicky had come back and it was all a sick prank.

Her hopeful expression fell a second time when she saw Norma. The older woman smiled sadly at her, patting her shoulder lightly. Lorna turned back to the bunk. Gently, she perched herself on the end, feeling cautious and unsure why.

'I can't even have her pillow.' It was barely even a whisper. Her pillow would smell like her. She could have swapped it with her own. It would have been a comfort, a reminder. Norma must have heard her since she had taken Nicky's hoodie off the hook and placed it into Lorna's lap. She grasped the grey material in her hands and pressed her face into it, muffling her cries.

Nicky clearly hadn't washed it for a few days as it smelt quite strongly of her. Lorna wanted to curl up on the cool metal frame and rest on the hoodie, taking in her scent, pretending she was really lying with her.

A small voice in the back of Lorna's head was selfishly chipping away at her worry for Nicky. It hadn't even been an hour since Nicky had been ripped away from her, yet she couldn't help but realise how long she had left of her own sentence. How was she meant to cope in here anymore?

No one else bothered about her, not really. Lorna never liked to admit it to herself, but she knew deep down that most people only spoke to her, _tolerated_ her _,_ because of Nicky.

Red only accepted her as a daughter because Nicky brought her into the family. If it wasn't for her, Lorna wouldn't be a part of the select few. Boo put up with her mostly because of her connection to Nicky, but she often felt she was irritating her. Chapman thought she was sweet but Lorna was unsure if she would humour her any more - she was only concerned with Vause right now. Sure, Yoga Jones often showed her kindness, but she was the same with the majority of the women here.

Many others thought she was crazy or were still associating her with her lies about Christopher. Lorna had been called a liar a lot since his visit: a harsh whisper in the bathroom, a cruel comment in the dinner queue. She tried not to let it show but it stung.

Just earlier that day, in drama class, Lorna had jumped from her seat, eager, enthusiastic. When Berdie asked for a location and general scenario, a woman (who Lorna didn't even recognise) shouted 'How about a wedding?'

Lorna's heart had dropped. She felt her excited smile fall. There were a few hurtful sniggers among the crowd. Yoga Jones and Sister Ingalls stared down at their hands awkwardly. Chapman gave her a gaze full of pity. Suzanne gave her an oddly determined look which Lorna assumed was for support. She quickly plastered the wide smile back onto her face, her cheeks still burning with embarrassment.

Thankfully, Berdie, clearly sensing Lorna's humiliation, asked for something else.

No one would have said it if Nicky had been there. No one ever made the comments in front of Nicky.

Lorna was taken under her wing from the beginning. Even when they hardly spoke for the few weeks after they stopped having sex, she could tell Nicky was still always looking out for her.

The buzzer sounded for the afternoon count. Lorna wrapped the hoodie around her shoulders and Norma guided her to her own cube.

She didn't go down to dinner. Norma brought her a potato waffle she managed to smuggle out of the canteen but she couldn't stomach it. As soon as the last count was over, she quietly ran to Nicky's cube and curled up on the cold metal bed frame.

She barely slept. Shutting off her brain was harder than ever.

* * *

Lorna couldn't focus on anything the next day. She wanted to talk to Red because she would understand. She loved Nicky too. But Red had gone. Something to do with the kitchen, according to Piper.

Lorna felt a slight twinge of disappointment. How could she still be fighting for that, the very morning after Nicky had been snatched from their lives?

'Are you okay?' Piper asked. Lorna opened her mouth to answer but started to cry again. Piper looked uncomfortable and hugged her awkwardly while mumbling something about having to go to electrical before breakfast.

Once again, Lorna was left alone. She became anxious and aware that many women were staring at her, muttering. Gina appeared in front of her just as she was about to retreat back to Nicky's bunk. Red had sent her to make sure she would eat something that morning.

Breakfast was awful. Lorna still couldn't stomach the food and no one but Gina sat with her, still following orders from Red.

She had never felt more alone.

Suzanne was already mopping a corridor by the time Lorna reached her work duty. She was talking to herself (or the mop) about Vee again. Lorna was glad. She couldn't handle pointless chatter today.

She picked up the other mop and wiped the floor slowly. Suzanne always said how it helped to clear her mind but it didn't seem to be working for her recently. It didn't work for Lorna either.

A plus of working within the prison was that she would often see Nicky around. Lorna knew she would intentionally try and find her. Sometimes, she would sneak up and grab Lorna from behind, making some sort of joke. Hanging around longer than she needed to. Longer than she should. Once, she received a shot for loitering when she was supposed to be fixing a light in the kitchen.

The tears began again. She couldn't stop. The minutes since she had last seen her were increasing. It would be 24 hours soon. What would Nicky be doing now? Lorna had no idea of what Max was like and didn't know many who had been there.

The whole day was monotonous, too slow, never ending. Clean one room, clean another. She was pretty sure Suzanne was doing most of the work. The mop was heavy in her hands. Her body felt weighted down. She leant back on a table for a moment and looked around the canteen.

Suzanne was still talking about Vee. She couldn't stop moving, her body, facial expressions and speech all seemed so erratic. It was as though she was in fast forward but her mind was stuck in the past, yet to catch up. Frantically reassuring herself that Vee was alive and okay and hadn't forgotten about her.

Lorna realised she was exactly the same, minus the wild actions. After all, she was telling herself similar things. _Nicky will be okay, she will be back soon, she won't be there forever, she will be back and everything will be fine._

* * *

The days passed by slowly, each one erasing Nicky's presence even more. A new inmate had her bunk now. It had been exactly a week since she had been taken and already she was out of people's minds.

It took everyone less than a week to forget about her. Not even Red spoke her name. Lorna was angry, disgusted at how the women Nicky thought of as _family_ could possibly forget she even existed.

Then she realised it hurt much less to try and forget.

After another couple of weeks it began to feel normal that Nicky was no longer there. Lorna was always pushing herself to forget her habits that revolved around Nicky. She didn't look hopefully at her old bunk any more. She stopped saving the seat next to her on movie night. She no longer took her time mopping the floors outside electrical like she used to, on the off chance of bumping into her.

Lorna desperately tried to forget Nicky; it brought only pain to think about her and the state she might be in. But she was so lonely it was impossible to banish her from her thoughts. It was worst when she was alone.

For the past few weeks she had mostly isolated herself, sat alone at meal times, spending free time in her bunk ignoring everyone and enveloping herself within her own mind. Lorna, in a wild state of distress, began to throw herself into new activities. She turned up to every yoga session, every drama class. She made sure she was always busy, always with people.

Lorna's pen pal project started off as a small hobby. She had nothing to keep herself busy at night when she was by herself and Nicky forced down the barrier Lorna trapped her behind all day. So she spent all her nights, and most days, writing letters. She would write around five letters a day, long replies to various men who seemed to take an interest in imprisoned women.

The decision to start meeting the men at visitation was made one night when Lorna found her old wedding scrapbook at the very back of her locker. Even after Christopher's visit, she couldn't bear to throw it away (though she told Nicky she had). Collage upon collage of carefully cut glossy pictures stared back at her, pulling her back to the times when her biggest worry was who she would be dropping from the wedding.

Lorna knew now this wedding was never a reality (Christopher's fault). But when she found the page of wedding dresses, her old dreams of being the perfect wife came flooding back to her. The nostalgia of these dreams she once wrapped herself in were impossible to resist.

She began writing more replies, accepting every offer to visit her in prison.

Nicky started to only come into Lorna's thoughts when she was feeling particularly lonely or while she was sleeping. She tried to detach herself from this Nicky, this ghost. She tried not to think of her as living in Max only a few minutes drive away.

It sometimes felt like she had died.

Occasionally, real, painful thoughts of Nicky would come up, usually when something would remind Lorna of her. If Red mentioned family, the feeling of emptiness would come back. Even small, seemingly insignificant things, like reaching the last pretzel in a bag because she _always_ saved that one for Nicky. An ache would return that wouldn't shift until she kept herself busy enough to ignore her.

It became second nature to push Nicky away and pretend she didn't exist. She was just a memory now, her own personal ghost. Lorna felt hollow, like she was missing a piece of herself.

It was easier to believe she could replace her.

* * *

 **A/N:** I'm not sure what I think about this (and it has hardly any dialogue and is mostly Lorna's thoughts) but I might carry this on to Nicky's pov or something

also want to write a cute fluff fic but yeah

Season 3 messed us up


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